New Year’s Realizations

First off, I just wrote a ridiculously long post and it didn’t save – error! So now I am even more un-nerved because of all of the time (that I don’t have) I just wasted. So I shall take several deep breaths and re-cap…

Here we go… Now New Year’s is supposed to be an exciting time full of celebrating new resolutions and “in with the old, out with the new” attitudes. My new year didn’t go off with a bang and I didn’t spend it getting drunk/partying like most of the world. I rang in the new year laying on my bed with a book in hand. I had the opportunity to go out to a friend of my friend’s house where I feel out-of-place because I don’t know them very well, but I politely declined that one. To be honest, I’ve been so busy the past few days that all I wanted to do was to take it easy.

I can’t believe that my “break” is over and I start work with the kids again this afternoon. The past two weeks were filled with working at my seasonal job, trying to connect with friends who are home from college, applying for a new job, helping my mom at her office, and cleaning out my room.

I spent my last “day off” yesterday cleaning out my closet. Now when I saw cleaning out I mean hardcore, deep cleaning. I had already sorted through most of my clothes but there were boxes of all my toys and dolls that have been sitting on the top shelves for Lord knows how long! So all of the boxes of memories came down (and turned my actual room into a disaster area!) and were opened. I worked on sorting out the contents into keepsakes (which were re-stored), donations, and trash. I’m usually a very sentimental person and hate parting with things – which is why my closet was so packed to begin with!

One of the perks to cleaning is finding little treasures that you forgot you had. I came across an AMC and Starbucks gift card that still had money on them (win!), favorite toys, and old notes from friends. I also came across this bad boy which made me feel incredible old!

Along with heartwarming mementos I found a few picture that brough back less than happy memories. I came across many pictures and notes from middle school and high school that made me cringe. Middle school is a difficult, awkward transitional period for most people and mine experience was no exception. Apart from looking incredible awkward – super fair-skinned, unmanageable wavy hair, and braces – I was painfully shy and just never really fit in. I had close friends but was far from being one of the “popular kids.” I was never invited to school dances (unless by a friend), I wasn’t athletic, nor did I wear the latest clothes from the “cool stores” (unless it was on sale).

Instead of me feeling sympathetic to picture of me that I found (like “oh, I was so sweet and innocent, why would I hate myself?”) I felt strong feelings of disgust. I just wanted to burn them, to block out all traces of my detested past. Gross, gross, gross! How could anyone love me?!

I had very low self-esteem. I did not feel like I was good enough in a lot of areas of my life. Those feelings stayed when I entered high school. I joined the color guard (with the marching band) because I didn’t think I was good enough to try out for drill team, which was full of the really pretty girls that all the boys wanted to date). I was able to open-up more socially and build many close friendships. Even though I made good grades and had a solid group of friends I still felt like I was missing out on something. I wasn’t popular, but wasn’t un-popular either. I guess I’ve always felt like I’m just “there” and settle on a lot.

I went to college freshman year because I felt like I had “nothing left” at home and just needed to get away. I quickly learned that your problems often follow you and tend to become more apparent when you’re someplace new. The next year I transferred to a college closer to home that I knew I would get accepted to and that I could afford. I had always wanted to go to a more prestigious or at least well know university but was intimidated by them so I never applied.

I tend to take whatever comes first verses holding out from what I really want: job, a date/boy, clothes or other things I want because I either feel like I’m not “good enough” for them or don’t deserve them. I’ve worked to figure out exactly where these feelings stem from. It’s a very complicated process and I’ve made some headway over the years. I know I still have a long ways to go ahead of me, it’s a lifelong process. Maybe I needed to clean out my closet to remind me to also purge those negative thoughts of my past out of the closet of my mind. Our pasts, good or bad, make us who we are. I’ve always been a hard-worker and don’t want my recent victories ruined by dwelling on things that I can’t change. Onwards and upwards, right?

P.S. Finally cleaning/organizing my closet is a huge relief. Now I’ve just got to tidy up the after math – my room…

Keep Warm This Winter!