Restless in Texas
Posted: May 16, 2012 Filed under: future, inspiration, projects, quotes, stress/anxiety, yoga | Tags: crochet, etsy, Harry Potter quotes, inspiration, poses, quotes, Real Simple, sleep, yoga 3 Comments »Another day followed by another restless night’s sleep. This is really getting old. When I don’t feel rested it starts my whole day off poorly. My mood is lower, I’m grumpier, and everything seems 12,568 times worse! I even took a sleeping pill last night – desperate times call for desperate measures. I can fall asleep fine, it’s the staying asleep that gets me… I’m up to go to the bathroom every few hours. Sometimes I can fall right back to sleep, but others (usually once the clock ticks closer toward morning) I can’t. I tend to crack open a book and read until I can’t keep my eyes open, then go back to sleep for a few more hours if I’m lucky.
Things haven’t been all bad on the un-employed/vacation/time for me/resting front. I have a craving to feel “productive” and to “do something”- which can be difficult “sitting at home all day.” I’ve been working on craft projects to keep me busy. I finished another afghan and then taught myself how to make drink cozies today which will be up on Etsy soon.
I’ve been practicing more yoga. Triangle pose feels amazing! I just imagine all these negative toxins rushing out of my body whenever I do twists! I’m trying to practice or at least do a few stretches when I wake up in the mornings since my muscles are so tight. I think that I’m already telling a difference. It’s nice to have since of accomplishment, especially before the day really gets started. It can be hard to get motivated, but when I complete my session it’s totally worth it for my mind and body.
I’ve been trying not to think too much about the future (what I’ll be doing in the next few months and long-term). It is super tough, though. I’ve been taking a lot of assessments, reading self-help books, researching various careers and jobs, but I’m just finding myself more and more frustrated because nothing seems like a “good fit” for me. Of course the fact that I’m lacking sleep and feel nauseous (or something feels bad – headache, etc.) all the time doesn’t help me think clearly or make the best decisions. I’m going to try to challenge myself to “stay away” from pros and cons lists that I’ve created based on possible career paths, job sites, and skills tests. Maybe taking a break from it all will help clear my head. I’m kinda on information overload at the moment…
Real Simple posted a very informative article about how to “enjoy doing nothing” I need to read and re-read this daily until I can “be at peace!”
P.S. How’s it already Wednesday?
Settling Down
Posted: May 12, 2012 Filed under: food, projects, stress/anxiety, work | Tags: crochet, dinner, etsy, family, job, sewing, spending, work 2 Comments »So this week I went part-time at work. Yesterday was my last day and what a crazy day it was. We were super busy and we were short two people which made everyone else have to work harder. I passed out for a few hours after I got home. I guess it’s a pretty good indicator that the job is too physically demanding for me right now. I am going to miss working there. I was filled with bittersweet emotions as I pulled out of the parking lot. Right now the key is for me to get back on track to a healthier me or I really won’t be able to do much of anything in the future. Part of me is still anxious about “what I’m gonna do,” but I know that I’m really not able to think as clearly as I normally would right now so major decision making should be put on hold.
I know my parents care and want to help, but my mom has turned into “super intrusive” mode. It’s making it very hard to “want to get better” for myself – for me to take initiative. I’m so tempted to move out. I’ve even looked into apartment rates in a few locations. All I’d really need is an efficiency and I’d be content. I don’t want to move out just because of the nagging, but because of the simple fact that I’m miserable here. As much as I try to fill my time I am bored and lonely. What has helped has been me going to visit my aunt who lives close by. My grandmother is visiting from New York to help her pack for their upcoming move (my aunt is moving a few hours away). My aunt knows my situation and said that she and my uncle would love it if I came to stay with them. I’ve never been to where they will be living, but I’d at least like to visit for a weekend and check it out for fun. Another option is moving to where most of my friends are (where I went to college). I would just need to find a place to stay (apartment) but I don’t really want to get locked into a lease. A “summer getaway” might be all that I need…
The fact that I won’t be working has me stressed about money. I’m typically not a big spender, but I tend to restrict and feel guilty about the tiniest purchases, especially now when extra expenses seem to be popping up. Ugh, the “real world” – you are overrated!
Highlights from the week:
Family Dinner
Chicken, Brown Rice, and Veggie Lettuce Wraps
Finished Crocheting a Baby Afghan
Sewed a Tote Bag for my Aunt
What were the highlights from your week?
**Shop Etsy!**
Grounded
Posted: May 8, 2012 Filed under: books, inspiration, quotes, stress/anxiety, verses | Tags: books, God, recover, spiritual, verses Leave a comment »I am going through a difficult time right now. It’s one of those “low phases” before things get better. I have really been trying to focus on God and prayer to help me through my days, but He seems so far away. I’m not giving up, though. I’m copying a few verses that were used in the book Made to Crave. I’m trying to cling on to for strength that can hopefully also help you or someone you know who needs encouragement.
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has done - comes not from the Father but from the world. – 1 John 2:15-16
Give ear to my worlds, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. – Psalm 5:1-3
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. – Isaiah 43:18-19
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms. – Ephesians 1:17-20
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of sinful nature. – Galatians 5:16
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. – Galatians 5:22-23
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus, All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you should think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only to let us live up to what we have already attained. – Philippians 3:13-16
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away; yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Ephesians 2:10
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. – Psalm 73:26
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. – Romans 8:26
And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. – Romans 5:5
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I Say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” – Lamentations 3:22-24
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. – Ephesians 4:8
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. – Ecclesiastes 3:11
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry. – 1 Corinthians 12-14
Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. – 2 Corinthians 7:1
“Everything is permissible for me” – but not everything is beneficial… I will not be mastered by anything. – 1 Corinthians 6:12
Mother’s Day Gift Ideas on Etsy!!!!
Lost
Posted: April 28, 2012 Filed under: future, stress/anxiety, weekend, work | Tags: careers, emotions, jobs Leave a comment »This week has seemed like such a waste. Idk, just not much going on after work. I’ve been trying so hard to reach out to people and be more social. Then plans keep falling through and people don’t get back with me – soooooo beyond frustrating! I’m not asking for much. Just to go to a movie or a museum, but that won’t even work out. Maybe God is telling me that I need to be alone right now. Idk why because I’m so bored and restless. I just want to throw things. Life doesn’t seem fair.
I talked to my boss and they can’t hire my just part-time, which would be perfect. They only need full-time people. So either I stay on full-time or go part-time til they find someone to replace me. I really don’t have a “fall back” option. I know that resting is important so my mind and body can recover fully, but I’m so restless in the evenings and on Saturday, just imagine how awful I’d feel everyday with “nothing to do”. I just can’t seem to relax when I do have the time to. I really want to go stay with my grandparents in NY, but I know that changing locations doesn’t “solve” anything.
I’d love to work at a little cafe or gift shop in some touristy town by the lake or ocean. Unfortunately there aren’t any of those close to me. I’ve checked out several options and I’ve been spending my spare time looking for jobs/future careers that are appealing, but I’m still coming up short. I’ve tried looking into volunteering at a few places to get more of an idea of what I could be doing, but they are hard to come by and most farther away than I’d like to travel.
I want to go back to school just so I’ll have something to do… I also like to learn (nerd)
There are still a few careers that I have somewhat of interest in but no one really jumps out at me:
- Occupational therapy
- Social work
- Dietetics
- MBA
- Advertising/PR
- Event design/planning
- High school social studies (psychology teacher)
Craving Joy
Posted: April 24, 2012 Filed under: books, future, stress/anxiety, verses, work | Tags: books, feelings, job, reading, work 2 Comments »It has been so tough for me to find “joy” in things the past few days. Work has been busy which means I don’t get any breaks and am on my feet non-stop. My energy level has been plummeting even with snacks and sleep. I feel like I’m once again at the end of my rope. It’s so difficult to stay motivated when I’m “running on empty.” I’ve been wanting to talk to my boss about cutting back my hours to part-time, either working only mornings or afternoons. I keep chickening out… I tell myself that there is no medical reason why I should feel so fatigued and that I should just suck it up and work, work, work. Because when I do have free time, like today when we had the afternoon off for our corporate meeting, I was so restless and didn’t know what to do with my time. I ended up napping, then going to the gym for a short while but I felt so unproductive. So if I do cut back on my hours how will I fill my time? I know that I need to “rest” but what does “resting” for me entail exactly? I’m still unmotivated to do much of anything – nothing “fun” (reading, art, crafts, hobbies, etc.) sound very appealing. It’s hard to know what the “right” answer is right now.
And of course when I don’t have the “answers” I think and think… I don’t know what I “want to do with my life” and feel so empty. I’d just like some direction. I already know that office/desk jobs, teaching, nursing, and Physical/Occupational therapy are not good career options for me and my personality. So what now? I feel like I’m running out of options – stuck!
I’m trying to replace the emptiness with God, prayer, and looking for the little “joys” in life. I’m reading the book Made to Crave that my counselor recommended. I don’t feel like it’s completely applicable to my situation but I’m gaining some insight from it nonetheless.
“Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry.”
- Colossians 3:5
Visiting
Posted: April 15, 2012 Filed under: movie, stress/anxiety, trips, weekend, work, yoga | Tags: Rangers, road trips, Titanic 3D, trips, weekend, work Leave a comment »
Finally home from Houston and relaxing a bit after a busy weekend…
Wednesday my aunt and cousin flew in from Iowa for the wedding we just returned from. I had to work but my mom brought them over to the clinic to say “hi” real quick and then we headed to the Ranger’s game after I got home. We had seats right behind home plate in the upper deck. I had never sat right behind home plate but I really enjoyed it and would like to sit there again! We were ahead the whole game until the very end where we lost it in the 9th… The traffic was bad coming home so it made for a very long day.
Thursday evening was my first appointment with my new counselor. It was OK. The first appointment is basically an eval and you don’t get to “solve” anything. I’m not sure I want to continue going. I’m just so numb and blah that nothing seems to help and nothing sounds like it will make a difference. I know that’s not the best mindset to have, but it’s how I’m feeling.
Friday I got off work at noon (as usual for Fridays), got my high-lights touched up and took my aunt and cousin to see Titanic in 3D. I didn’t think that the “3D” made a huge difference but I enjoyed seeing the movie none the less. It was special to take my aunt because she had never seen the movie before! It was also perfect timing with the 100 years of its sinking this weekend.
Saturday morning we packed up the car and headed for Houston. It was a pretty, sunny day and we stopped for a pre-packed picnic lunch at Huntsville State Park for lunch. We hit traffic once we crossed into the city but still made it in plenty of time to freshen up for the wedding. The ceremony and reception were all very nice. I was just so “out of it.” I tried my best to be present but the effort it takes to act like everything is fine is just soooo draining. I couldn’t deal with it and had my dad take me back to the hotel from the reception early (he was tired from all the driving).
Sunday (today) we slept in a little bit then headed to two receptions for the newly weds. I woke up with a splitting headache that was relentless… It made surviving the receptions (filled with people I didn’t know very well) an extra challenge. We left Houston later than I was expecting but made pretty good time coming home. I managed to nap on and off and read a bit – but STILL have that headache… I did a little yoga to try to loosed up those toxins that built up while sitting in the car, but I’m not feeling well and dreading work tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the first day that Mitch, the tech who trained me will be gone to the other clinic – Friday was his last day with us. I’m nervous because I’ll have a heavier work load and already struggle to “keep my head above water.” Physically and emotionally, my energy is shot. I can’t keep up. It’s gonna be a long week.
Mastering Your Emotions
Posted: April 3, 2012 Filed under: inspiration, stress/anxiety | Tags: control, emotions, quotes Leave a comment »
I copied this from a handout from the place I did my internship at. It’s very good information to reflect on.
- Anger – losing control over others and/or self using anger as an attempt to regain it
- Anxiety – blocking the self by paralysis to avoid getting ready for a situation
- Boredom – not taking responsibility for your own happiness or time management
- Confusion – blocking the mind to keep it from dealing with a situation or making a decision
- Depression – indulging in helplessness as an escape
- Fear – entertaining a vision of danger that has not happened
- Grief – losing control over a source of love or attention
- Guilt – indulging in a past situation in order to avoid taking action now
- Hate – indulging in a misplaced expression of love
- Homesickness – feeling the loss of source of attention and self-identity
- Hurt – denying self of responsibility for own feelings and feeling that someone is not doing what you want them to do
- Jealousy – feeling of inadequacy compared to a known or unknown rival
- Loneliness – placing responsibility for your happiness on someone else
- Regret – feeling torment because something didn’t go the way you wanted
- Rejection – experiencing an unsuccessful attempt to get approval
- Self-pity – indulging in helplessness (depression) as a substitute for love
- Shyness – lingering until someone tells you that you’re OK
- Worry – incapacitating the self to avoid preparing for a situation
Words to Grow On…
Posted: March 21, 2012 Filed under: future, inspiration, quotes, stress/anxiety, words | Tags: cavalier, cherish, efficient, exhausted, lugubrious, Words 2 Comments »
Key Word of the week:
cher•ish [verb (used with object)]
1. to hold or treat as dear; feel love for
2. to care for tenderly; nurture
3. to cling fondly or inveterately to
What I am/have been:
lu•gu•bri•ous (adjective)
1. mournful, dismal, or gloomy, especially in an affected,exaggerated, or unrelieved manner
ex•haust [verb (used with object)]
1. to drain of strength or energy, wear out, or fatigue greatly, as a person
What I want:
a cav•a•lier (noun)
1. a horseman, especially a mounted soldier; knight.
2. one having the spirit or bearing of a knight; a courtly gentleman; gallant.
3. a man escorting a woman or acting as her partner in dancing.
What I want to be/working on being:
ef•fi•cient (adjective)
1. performing or functioning in the best possible manner with the least waste of time and effort; having and using requisite knowledge, skill, and industry; competent; capable
2. satisfactory and economical to use
3. producing an effect, as a cause; causative.
4. utilizing a particular commodity or product with maximum efficiency (usually used in combination)
(All definitions were found on dictionary.com)
Small Victories
Posted: March 15, 2012 Filed under: food, inspiration, stress/anxiety, work | Tags: eating out, etsy, food, social work, work 1 Comment »
The past few days have been going better emotion-wise. It’s spring break around here so which has caused a lot of cancellations at work. The slower-pace is nicer than me constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off but it makes for much “longer days” – They seem to drag by… I also haven’t gotten as many comments about my weight (probably because those patients haven’t been in this week) which has helped me feel better. I don’t like that kind of attention on me. Talk about me feeling awkward and it’s quite rude on their part for bringing up personal topics in front of a group of people.
I’ve also had a few “smaller victories” this week. No diet soda on Tuesday (the longest I’ve gone without one recently has been 4 days)! I mainly drink it for the caffeine. I’ve been so sleepy which means I need to keep working on getting to bed earlier – I get distracted easily… I’ve also increased my calorie intake a bit. Not HUGELY, but it’s better than nothing, right? Baby steps, baby steps!
Another “victory” for me was going out to lunch with co-workers today. They go out about once a week but I’ve never gone before. Usually it’s because of the restaurant and the fact that eating out is hard for me (especially around people I don’t know well). I was super tempted to back out but I forced myself to go. I survived and it wasn’t too bad at all. I’m really working on being more social and not allowing food to inhibit what I do!
Since I have been feeling a bit better food-wise I’m super tempted to cancel the appointment with my new dietitian on Friday. I know, I know that I NEED to go. That going will not “hurt” it can only help. I’m stubborn and like doing things on my own. I feel like “hey, I don’t need to go, I’ve been adding food.” But then I know the reality of how easy it can be to slip again…
As far as the future goes I’ve been leaning more towards social work in adoption settings – traveling to visit the children and orphanages and counseling families. Mainly working with people who want help and change in their life vs. people (like me) who are stubborn and don’t want to be in counseling or want help. It’s still un in the air, but that’s kinda where I’m at right now.
OK weekend
Posted: March 11, 2012 Filed under: stress/anxiety, trips, weekend, work | Tags: anxiety, food, museums, Oklahoma, work Leave a comment »Well, it’s my least favorite part of the week again. That time of the evening when you start to wind down and prep for the busy week ahead (or maybe just Monday). After a tough week at work last week with all of the comments about my weight topped with my increasing lack of energy, let’s just say that I’m not looking forward to another week of it.
I tried as much as I could to enjoy the weekend with my family. Saturday morning we drove up to visit my brother in Oklahoma. We picked him up from his dorm, checked into our hotel, and then headed to lunch. Eating out is always a challenge for me because the foods are typically not my “safe” foods and I do not have control over how they are prepared or the amount of food that is served. The lunch ended up OK and we made our way to the Science Museum of Oklahoma. It was a good museum day due to the rainy, chilly weather. The main reason we went to the museum was to see the “Tornado Alley” IMAX show (seeing as my brother has been obsessed with tornadoes/weather his entire life and the fact that he’s minoring in meteorology). The show we were planning on going to was sold out so we had fun checking out some of the exhibits and the planetarium while we waited for the next one. Science museums always take me back to field trip days and make me feel like a little kid again. Those were the days…
After that we dropped my dad off at the hotel so that he could rest while we did a bit of shopping. My brother is going on a service trip for his spring break next week and there were a few things that he needed to pick up from the store. The time change last night didn’t really throw me off too much, I have problems sleeping through the night/feeling rested to begin with!
I enjoyed mass with my family this (Sunday) morning.y We had lunch in my brother’s dining hall since we were already on campus and were planning on staying on campus that afternoon. Of course you can’t have super high expectations with dining hall food, but his campus has a really wide variety of things to choose from (a lot better than my school did). It’s kind of nice to check out the things/places that my brother goes to. After lunch we went to one of the museums on campus for a special exhibit that had recently started. It featured some of Walt Disney’s animations. We glanced around a few more exhibits but I was so worn out it was difficult to enjoy.
That feeling basically sums up my entire weekend – fatigued and completely out of it. I feel like I was a “party pooper” – nixing restaurants and leaving early from things because I didn’t feel good. It is just so difficult. I can’t function. I’m anxious thinking about the long work week ahead and trying to plan food so I’ll be getting more energy without overwhelming myself. Ugh, things should not be so difficult.
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