Confidence.

I enjoyed my week “off” and am reluctant to get back into the swing of things. I’m hitting the ground running today. I woke up early for mass, then grocery store, now misc. things before work with the kids, and an hour break before my second job which will last until midnight. I did not get enough rest last night and I am dragging this morning, wondering how I can summon the energy to do all I have to do… Luckily, the rest of the week looks to be less crazy so hopefully I can catch up on some rest in a few days *fingers crossed*.

Lately I have been questioning a lot of things in my life, mainly my future, as usual. One of the deacons said something at mass about how we should not fear because our future is secure in God. It’s just so hard to believe in the moment. I like tangible things, solid, black-and-white plans that I can grasp my mind around.

I feel so lost and alone sometimes. Like no one understands even when I try to talk to them about what I am feeling. Even when people (guys) try to show they care about me and love me it’s like I reject them. Do I not think that I am worthy of love? I don’t think it’s that. I don’t think that I am a “bad person” or that I have committed a sin in which I cannot forgive myself. But yet I constantly “beat myself up” and deny myself things that bring me joy. Or I go to things that used to or that I think should bring me joy but don’t anymore. I’m just empty. Something is missing. Believe me, I’ve been praying about it, I just haven’t gotten my answer yet.

People have so many expectations for themselves and for others. I don’t know if I’m trying to be someone I’m not. I know in the past that I have and recently I have focused on being more natural and genuine. This mainly means wearing less make-up/focusing on my outward appearance less. Who am I trying to impress? People at work, fellow shoppers at the store (are you one of those people who would rather die than leave the house without make-up?), to make others feel inferior because of something I own/wear, to get attention? But at the end of the day WHO CARES?! People most likely remember my pimple or think “Oh my gosh, she isn’t wearing mascara today!” If they do, I think that they need to refocus their priorities. Most people (myself included) lack to confidence to do and say what THEY want to without the fear of being judged. Who is the ultimate judge? God, of course! Are your actions pleasing to Him? I try to think about this throughout the day and the idea often gets lost in my business. Maybe setting a “daily intention” is a good place to start.

Health-wise I’m doing OK, could be better. I know that when I don’t get enough rest everything seems so much harder than it is. My motivation to do anything besides sleep is non-existent. I have to work harder to make myself do what I need to get done. Usually at work that includes putting on a “happy face” and making people believe that everything is just fine. Disciplining and teaching the kids (including being constantly ont my feet) is draining both mentally and physically.

Thursday – Saturday I actually did feel rested and was able to watch some movies after Christmas shopping.

  ** This one was my favorite of the ones I watched**  Daily Intention: Confidence to trust God that He has designed my life perfectly.

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